May 2013
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j’apprends le français. très bon! très excitant!
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a poem for my mother.
I.
you smell the same. it has been two months since i saw you, and there are new streaks of grey in your hair, deeper smile lines around your eyes. small changes.
our conversation is the same: you worry that i am getting too thin, and i ask you if you’ve been sleeping enough. you tell me i should transfer to a university closer to home, that now you’ve got me...
April 2013
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1. i feel as though i know myself very little
2. i have a clear idea of the person i am striving to be, and a somewhat-clear idea of the steps i need to take to become that person
3. i am just very afraid
4. (also: spring rain is the best kind of rain, especially for running in)
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note to self.
1. take one day at a time.
2. you are not boring or inadequate or unlovable.
3. stay humble.
4. write more.
5. your heart is a bit like a volcano. sometimes it overflows a little. (or, crying can be a good thing.)
6. fight like hell. keep fighting.
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fifteen ways to stay alive, by daphne gottlieb.
1. offer the wolves your arm only from the elbow down. leave tourniquet space. do not offer them your calves. do not offer them your side. do not let them near your femoral artery, your jugular. give them only your arm.
2. wear chapstick when kissing the bomb.
3. pretend you don’t know english.
4. pretend you never met her.
5. offer the...
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March 2013
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“Don’t settle. Don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the...”
– Chris Brogan
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1. short-but-frequent moments where i am caught off-guard by an intense and overwhelming sense of gratitude to be home, in our scruffy and topsy-turvy and oft-broken house, surrounded by my wonderful family.
2. crochet is my new thing.
3. fighting this westerosi winter with chunky red knitted scarves and pajama days and slowly but surely finishing my autumn patchwork quilt.
4. my favourite...
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[[MORE]]
it is okay that nobody has ever told you they love you
it is okay that nobody has ever asked you out on a date
it is okay that you have never been kissed
it is okay that nobody has ever held your hand
it is okay that you have never had an anything with anyone
these things do not mean anything about who you are as a person
you are still loveable
you are still deserving of love
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i feel like after nineteen years i should be more experienced when it comes to conversations with cute boys, but alas.
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daily to-do list for the holidays.
1. go for a run.
2. half an hour of german, dutch, and old english grammar. (half an hour of each, that is.)
3. work for other modules: essay planning, note-making, annotation, etc. (will vary from day to day.)
4. something creative.
5. watch the news.
6. read one chapter of a book.
7. go to sleep before midnight.
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summer 2013 ideas.
1. find a tiny hostel somewhere remote. spend time surrounded by mountains and lakes and clear, open sky.
2. get a cheap flight to a european city, somewhere where you don’t speak the language. wander around museums and cathedrals and take bad pictures.
3. volunteer somewhere with a charity to remind yourself of how privileged you are and how much you take for granted.
...
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recent achievements.
1. running ten miles. this half-marathon is happening.
2. (almost) getting my head around adjectival endings in german.
3. not having a panic attack on my birthday.
4. going for coffee with a friend and telling her some things that i am trying to be more honest about, however much it scares me (which is a lot).
5. feeling okay, mostly.
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please, someone take this knotted, messy, bloody part of me that falls apart at the slightest touch and throw it in the sea/explode it in a firework/bury it on a mountain, because i can’t walk around with it eating away at my bones any more.
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1. you think the cold is easing off, and then it sinks another two degrees into your bones.
2. yesterday i ran 7 miles and (secretly) thought about half-marathons.
3. some days the best i can do is getting out of bed, and i am trying to remind myself that on those days that is enough.
4. other days i feel okay. actually okay. (this hasn’t been a norm for at least four years.) in those...
February 2013
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Love is Won // Lia Ices
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this is the hardest damn thing i’ve ever done.
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the sky is the sort of soft grey that makes me want to sleep all day, but lately i can’t sleep. there is sadness spilling out of every part of me. i think i will implode unless something changes, and so i have decided to cut myself out of the internet for a while.
my hopes are simple: improved academic focus, close friends who respect and care about me, somewhere to live next year,...
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“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most...”
– Edward Abbey
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let’s say that you are a strong person, that your bones are dense with years of disappointment and solitude and trying to be patient. let’s say that you’re a strong person but sometimes you are afraid: of people, of losing control, of change, of stasis, of your own emotions, of finding and losing yourself.
let’s say that there is a beautiful boy and his laugh makes you dizzy in the best way and...
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anxiety gets under your skin. when things are good, the same old bone-deep ache still lingers; when you start to feel strong, it pulls you back. anxiety gets under your bones and people tell you to just cut it out but it’s not that simple: once it gets hold of you it entwines itself around each and every part of you. cutting it out means cutting yourself out, means leaving yourself bloody...
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